I finally did it...

I went to my doctor today to get put on an anti-depressant.
It started to seem like nothing was satisfying me anymore. I can laugh and find joy in certain things, but I just wasn't happy. It's kinda like the worst feeling in the world. No matter what I did, no matter how much I loved doing what I was doing, I wasn't really happy.
My boyfriend? I haven't willingly held his hand in months. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want him touching me. Now is this because I am ready to break up with him? I won't know for a few more weeks. I have to get adjusted to this medicine. But if this makes me happier in every other department and not my boyfriend, then I will know.
Work is a terror for me. I used to love my job, but it seems like everyday for the past few months, not one day has been a good day. It's always either too busy or Mrs. Know-it-all is too annoying or Bossman or Bosslady or Mrs. Cook are just not listening to me when I am asking them to do something for me. Or they do listen and decide that yelling is the answer.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I can walk up to a table at work and ask them how they are doing. If they don't answer, I feel like I'm being ignored and I want to cry. Of course, I am able to hold back. It's very difficult though.

I haven't told my parents that I'm on citalopram, the anti-depressant, though. My dad sees that stuff as a sign of weakness. And my mom will tell my dad. And my brother? He's got enough on his mind, poor thing. His girlfriend of almost 2 years leaves for South Korea tomorrow with her family. She more than likely will not be coming back.

The medicine also helps with anxiety which is something that effects me pretty badly. I have panic attacks kinda often now. Hopefully this medicine works to get rid of those, not make them worse.
It also makes me kinda sleepy, so I'll end this entry now.
I hope whoever reads this gets a good nights rest.
peace.